I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
