I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
