Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
