Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
