There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
