I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
