So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
