I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
