I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
