the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
