She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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