I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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