No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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