Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
