Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize