Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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