Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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