fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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