I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
