There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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