take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize