She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
