The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
