He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
