Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
