true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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