I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
