im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know, be my cock's hype man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
