I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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