Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize