Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
