i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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