Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
