Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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