just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
