I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
