Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
