I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
