I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
