I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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