I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The maid of honor just puked.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
