I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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