some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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