Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize