Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
