I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
