I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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