You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
