It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
