You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize