...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
