'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
