I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
