There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
