around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
